exbit c. journal entry, never give up on yourself

Well more has happened since my last posting. Learned a lot as well. Car got broken into, mini laptop, over 200 new unpublished pieces, the books for my first professional reviews on NotesOnFusion.com were all stolen. Plus my back passenger side window was shattered. But I did the only thing a person could do. The next day I immediately got on it. Ordered the pc, contacted Stephen Miller, and Eric Basso, and replaced the window. Which by the way was a little more expensive than I thought it would be. Thats what I get though for buying a foreign car. Oh well, now Im just waiting on the delivery of my new pc, and both books. So only time was lost, everything else was replaceable.

Things are constantly in motion, not one day so far has been with out something big happening. New opportunities keep appearing, and yet I find myself at a mental stand point. I do see what people mean when they say thinking gets in the way. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes thinking is nothing less than a delay reaction. So some people want me to move in with them. They say they just want to help, help me attain stability, jump start my career. And honestly this is the scariest thing for me, only because I really dont know how to allow. I dont know how to let others do for me, like I have done for others. Its a new condition for me, as it appears clear to me that there is no catch, with them. But still, I'm moving again. And I am sick and tired of moving. I have to ask myself is me moving again getting me one step closer or further from having stability. I feel like I have lived so many lives in the past 29 years that now all I want and seek is a simple life. Thats it. I am fortunate though as I know what I dont want, and I have understanding what a simple life means to me.

I also got meetings on the way with both Mrs Kelly from the Madame Walker Theatre and Sandy Noe from the Julian Center. So I am moving foward in a positive direction with the benefit. We have already made progress for the Julian Center, as we just got a handsome pledge. Donor and amount remain confidentail, though. Only because the benefit has not happened yet. Now I have to look for graphic designers for the invites as well as a printing company to make copies. And its going to be an adventure.

Only because I need two different sets. One set for the art auction, and the other set is actually tickets for Saturday's event. Also have to create a pin pal account so I can have a another route to sell tickets. Honestly this may be my fourth benefit but I have never had to do all of this. I am moving up to the next level, as I have for every other benefit I have organized. That is how I can tell I am on the right track. Each one gets more polished than the last. So with out a doubt this may be a more of a challenge for me, but it's only making me better at this. Perhaps I can do these benefits once or twice a year. And as soon as I have pre-production done, I can focus on the next thing. Fine tuning the event itself. Except for the four features on saturday's event. I will have to organize rehearsals for it. Wow! the more I think about it the more I realize I have a full plate still.

Haven't worked on the cd in a week in a half, nor the books thats fine with me. At first I did have problems with it, but then it dawned on me. I have other things at this second the have to completed in order for me to be able to move foward in the direction that I feel is the best route for me. I have over 100 sheets of the crazy paper that I am holding in the picture that is on my blog. I am making frames for them, writing a few lines of poetry on each piece, applying a specific adhesive so the paper will last and selling them online, for 20 dollars a piece, that alone will help me get the other finances. I will have the money to continue getting the books and cd made as well as I can get the transportation for both Tristan and Tara from Chicago to Indy and back. Then the books will be done and I know they will sell as well. I already have a one and fourty three requests for the books. The signs are to obvious for me I have to keep going, regardless.

I want to work with more artist. I feel fortunate to work with the artist I already am. But there are so many more as well. I feel so fortunate to work with Alkemi, Billy Tuggle, Tristan Silverman, Tara Hardy, Gabby Patterson, Nsaychable, Allen Imagery, Stephen Paul Miller, Linda Sands, Eric Basso. People I have said it before and Ill say it again. Look up these artist. They are tomorrows greats who are living today. But still after this benefit there are more like I said at the begining. Racheal Mckibbens, Mike McGee, Buddy Wakefield, Karen FinneyFrock, And you can be sure that after I have this benefit done, but before it has happened, that I am working on the next benefit. Actually I have a idea who we are going to support next time. But still its way too early to even whisper that one, only because a realistic time frame to have that one would be in about a year from now. Which is about eight months after Projek Delerium

Could be entering a new line of work as well. Yeah I am still working at the airport, but I have a few possible up and coming auditions to do comercial voice overs. Lately people have been commenting my voice, and they say I should be doing commericals. So I asked around and little did I realize that a friend of mine has a few friends how are in that line of business. Some work or own their own agencies and others she knows do this for aliving. This is something I am investigating. It can potentially open up new doors for me, and perhaps this could be away I can actually afford to be productive and focus more on writing. benefits, workshops. This kind of a job would do more than just pay well, its not nearly as demanding of my time as the airport is. But unfortunately I can't quit that job, not until something else comes across my path that is for sure.

So bottom line I cannot get carried away. I am still just me Gregg, wanna be unpublished poet who works at the airport. But people you know what one of the beauties of life is. It's that everything does change, and sometimes our thoughts change our future. This is me at this second, but I tell myself I am a published successful poet. I will have everything I want, even though I have to work my ass off right now, and I am learning the ropes. But still, regardless things constantly change and who I will be in the future is what I am working so hard for in the present. We all have to tell ourselves both, what we see in the present, so we dont get carried away . Yet we have to remind ourselves of who we want to be. Its the only way we are going to want to take action and make it happen. Yet I refuse to give up on myself. You can say I have a head the size of texas, but I wont ever give up on me. So everything I have encountered so far has only made me better, sharper, and more determined, As you should feel as well, when life happens to you and you feel over whelmed.

Dont worry about what u want to have, because u always get u need and most of the time its a lot better

When u were born, u cried yet the people rejoice, live the life u want to live that way when u die, the world my cry but u rejoice.

If u are able to make ur lowest point your highest peak everytime life changes for you. Then you are definition of strength.

Success is only achieved after perseverance is applied

Exhibit D. madness of the mind

Ok here I am once again at the computer,. It seems that is all I am doing, if I am not working either job working on the benefit or the cd/book, the reviews of Fort Dad and Umbra on NotesOnFusion.com, or I am either blogging. And it just dawned on me.People I am couch surfing. I stay at my friends art studio, my editors house or if I work a double and a switch I usually stay in a hotel room. And I am not complaining at all, honestly I am working harder than ever. I am saving every penny and working my ass off. Yet I have no place to call my own. And I have to wonder, am I really doing what's right? I try to be a very logical person and not get swept away in the moment too much. And when I asked myself this question, I automatically said yes. But then I asked myself am I being responsible, that I still haven't answered. I am paying my bills, working two jobs. Taking care of the benefit, and the saturday's poetry features travel arrangments. But still, shouldn't I be worried about this?

All I want to accomplish is, inspire people to be better tomorrow than what I was yesterday. When I read Kerouac, Ginsberg, Morrison, Corso, Holman, Carr or listen to Pearl Jam, Tom Waits, Miles or Robert Johnson to name of the few artist that influence me. I really wonder and ask myself can I really inspire others in a similiar way to how they those who I mentioned have inspired me. Can I really make people feel something with my words? Am I a fool for thinking I will be able to provide for myself or better yet a family with my craft and not have to worry about keeping the lights on? I just want to write.

Like I said in a earlier blog, when I was creating a new poem for the cd, I felt this feeling of beauty the lead me to discover that I was right where I should be at the moment. I really love this, more than sex, more than love, more than anything. I want to write, and I want to make people feel something, make them realize they can find their own way. Nothing is impossible.
But the 64 thousand question is. What I have to say,is it really worth peoples time? Will they deam it important enough to read and digest? Will they appreciate my words,? Can they relate to them? And more importantly will people find and feel something personally inside themselves after they read what I have written? These questions I cannot answer. I can only put them out there and to see if and or how people respond.

Exhibit C. journal entry

Well the time is approaching, what exactly is around the corner I have no idea, but something is starting to brew in the wind. Stephen has been talking to me regularly about this idea he has called Indie Poetry Man. Its something that sounds very complicated, I cant reveal anything except its comparable to soft concrete and involves many other poets. And it looks like this mad man is going to New York in June. W'hat's going to happen, only time will tell, but perhaps blogging for the Critiphoria, which would be an amazing opportunity, Stephen has also mentioned about going to Ashville, to do some readings down there. What an amazing opportunity. I have only heard stories about how serious they take poetry in Ashville. It can make or break some one, kinda like the The Green Mill in Chicago or the Bowery in New York to name a few of the venues around the country that have such an impact on poetry and the scene poetry inhabits. But none the less adventures await in the near future and regardless of its outcome, stories,poems, prose's ect... will be hatch from these excursions that are heading this way.

Early today I went to my producers house after work and started working on a new piece for the cd. Its so amazing when you see whats in your mind become reality. And I mean down the smallest detail. But sometimes on a few pieces like the one we worked on today, really took me for a loop. I have to ask myself am I thinking too small regarding whats in my head. The reason why is because I can leave there, and he will constantly just work on a way to make the music bend to the words, and in a few days, I'll get a "yo" on my facebook page from Andrew, and I know he has something in mind.

So today when I went over after work. He was already playing the piano, just messing around on it. Then he began to play this melody and singing the words I wrote, and it was amazing. We ended up getting the structure for it down, and went over it four or five times, then we gave it a rest for the day. But in a few days this piece will be ready to be recorded, and I still have it in my head, its really catchy, yet really odd. They way the words and the music blends together is almost like an oxy-moron to me. Only because they are complete opposites of each other, yet the words makes the music all flow together and the music makes the words all roll together. I'm really feeling how powerful and beautiful it is when what your creating gets on such a roll, that it evolves naturally and becomes its own. Regardless I'm taking direction, hustling more than I ever had in my life on so many different projects, and I'm having the time of my life at it. All I can say is, it's a brilliant thing when you find what your meant to do for the rest of your life..