old tidal waves create new phases

And the music continues, yet now no words can descride it. Have I lost it? The will to write, to push out days with black ink on thin sheets of paper. I know Ive been writing but honestly it doesnt feel like ive written anything in months now. The fundraiser did mess me up. I missed my mark, and am not able to do the Delerium Projek as I have stated in previous blogs, but honestly it has put me in a funk, a depression. Now I feel I shouldnt go out and read any more. As if I am a failure, for this would of been an amazing event to accomplish. Yeah I put my own money in, but who cares, it didnt happen. Im not in the scene of poetry to be seen or make a scene. I wanted to give a message, to people. Wanted others to know that they are capable of anything and everything. But now I have to wonder, would people still listen to me. Am I still able to inspire people, I mean I did fail you know. And yes, I do realize I did give it a try, but still. Is it the actions or the intent that matters? I wanted to raise money for the abused women and children of indpls,. I wanted to support my fellow artist. And since news broke that I am not able to do the benefit, most have turned their backs on me. Thinking all I do is just talk, even though this would of been my 4th benefit.

I always looked at poetry as a way to inspire people, not as an attack on their soul. For words can make and break people. Ive broken too many, and decided to change my ways, and through time the changes I made became second nature to me. I do practice what I preach, yet I do know I can't walk on water or anything. But still, this has been very difficult for me. And I do know I am taking a new direction . Signed for EMT training, with the hopes of getting onthe fire department, as I do long for and want stability, and the only way I can achive this, is by providing it for me. As I just want a simple life. That is what we all want. When people say I want a regular life, to me it feels like they really saying they want a simple life. Away to pay the bills and just live a life they want. And for me becoming an EMT is away to do this. I can see myself doing this job, which does make it that more realistic, yet I still see myself writing performing. But should I, after all here I am, 29 yrs of age, and completely starting over. Constantly broke, barely able to pay bills, cup is always empty as its too much for me to fill at the moment, and perhaps this is a good thing. And with this new venture Ido feel lighter, you know. The question to go on haitus was a big one for me, and when I came to this conclusion, it was as if, I had no more answers to seek out.

I know I will always write, as its been a huge part of my life already,but now I want more, something new. And that newness is stability. Yet only in the coming days will all be revealed to me, will Decatur open up a new door, and if so will that door enhance the writing will it create opportunities for me, or will I finally see it as it is, and continue going towards my goal of now being an EMT and one day getting on a firedepartment... Its any ones guess...