Poet For Sale

Its been months now since I blogged a single solitary word. Hell honestly I havent even written a word. Maybe its just time you know. Time I quit or time I just evolved a bit, and perhaps in the future go back to the poetry.

I have been thinking though, I may of done this to myself. I dont know, maybe I had my goals set way to high, maybe I messed up by putting an idea on something I love, and that drove away any or all ambition. And I don't want to say I have lost the ambition to write, sometimes, even if it's just for a milisecond, a line will pop in my head, a phrase or Ill see something random as I drive by that will never be replicated and that will inspire a spark of poetry. So I know its not dead, just in deep secular state of hybernation.

Recently I have been working two jobs, doing anything I can to make sure I have stability in life. Working towards becoming a paramedic, and honestly even though its hard, the schedule is demanding and most of the time it feels like I dont even make a move closer to where I feel I need and should be. I do love it, the feeling of actually accomplishing a short term goal to achieve a more definitive goal is amazing. Working towards something and seeing that it is possible, that an idea is unfolding tells me I am on my way to better or simplified days. Who knows I may just pick up some ink and scratch out a piece or two again. But one thing is for sure. I will always make some type of craft. Regardless if its a cd or frames or what ever. And just give them away.

I dont really see myself making it to where I can afford a decent living off of poetry. Ive come to terms with that and honestly I am fine with it. After all I am working two jobs, so finances will be met. But let face it no matter how good or bad people think I am I love this, and I am sorry but honestly I would make a 1000 cd's or poetry frames and people have them compared to making all that and if I am lucky sell 150. I create for myself first and foremost and if I inspire people along the way, to me thats the magic. I mean we are all just average people I dont care who you are. Its ego's for the most part that seperate people, those who do just because its write always succeed and go further than those just going out to get theirs. In my opinion though.

Dont live with expectations in ur life, as they only limit you

true success is achieved when we create a habbit out of choosing to make the right decision,

old tidal waves create new phases

And the music continues, yet now no words can descride it. Have I lost it? The will to write, to push out days with black ink on thin sheets of paper. I know Ive been writing but honestly it doesnt feel like ive written anything in months now. The fundraiser did mess me up. I missed my mark, and am not able to do the Delerium Projek as I have stated in previous blogs, but honestly it has put me in a funk, a depression. Now I feel I shouldnt go out and read any more. As if I am a failure, for this would of been an amazing event to accomplish. Yeah I put my own money in, but who cares, it didnt happen. Im not in the scene of poetry to be seen or make a scene. I wanted to give a message, to people. Wanted others to know that they are capable of anything and everything. But now I have to wonder, would people still listen to me. Am I still able to inspire people, I mean I did fail you know. And yes, I do realize I did give it a try, but still. Is it the actions or the intent that matters? I wanted to raise money for the abused women and children of indpls,. I wanted to support my fellow artist. And since news broke that I am not able to do the benefit, most have turned their backs on me. Thinking all I do is just talk, even though this would of been my 4th benefit.

I always looked at poetry as a way to inspire people, not as an attack on their soul. For words can make and break people. Ive broken too many, and decided to change my ways, and through time the changes I made became second nature to me. I do practice what I preach, yet I do know I can't walk on water or anything. But still, this has been very difficult for me. And I do know I am taking a new direction . Signed for EMT training, with the hopes of getting onthe fire department, as I do long for and want stability, and the only way I can achive this, is by providing it for me. As I just want a simple life. That is what we all want. When people say I want a regular life, to me it feels like they really saying they want a simple life. Away to pay the bills and just live a life they want. And for me becoming an EMT is away to do this. I can see myself doing this job, which does make it that more realistic, yet I still see myself writing performing. But should I, after all here I am, 29 yrs of age, and completely starting over. Constantly broke, barely able to pay bills, cup is always empty as its too much for me to fill at the moment, and perhaps this is a good thing. And with this new venture Ido feel lighter, you know. The question to go on haitus was a big one for me, and when I came to this conclusion, it was as if, I had no more answers to seek out.

I know I will always write, as its been a huge part of my life already,but now I want more, something new. And that newness is stability. Yet only in the coming days will all be revealed to me, will Decatur open up a new door, and if so will that door enhance the writing will it create opportunities for me, or will I finally see it as it is, and continue going towards my goal of now being an EMT and one day getting on a firedepartment... Its any ones guess...

Being good to and not just at is how life long legacies are formed.

its brilliant when u know urself, no justification nor will questions need to be asked, for those rusted beliefs will no longer apply,.

Not getting swept away in an emotion, and remembering what caused your expierences, is how u can write a new history, instead of repeating ur past.